How do I start off this blog? Well, for one thing, I would think that I am a somewhat of chaotic person. I have so many ambitions, dreams, opinions...what can I say? I am human.
But going through with clinicals it taught me something that I know I genuinely needed a refresher on; selflessness.
I wouldn't say I was an overly selfish person, but something I've noticed about myself is that I rarely, in conversation, talk or inquire about the other individual in whom I'm speaking to. I would just rabble on about my problems, opinions, my choice of topic...the healthcare field is the perfect place to set your ego in check. And my ego needed a huge reality check.
I went to a nursing home for my nursing assistant clinicals and after day 1 I was already contemplating on giving up. I've always recognized myself as a fickle person but I soon saw that it wasn't because of fickleness that I was thinking about quitting. It was because I let my mind control over me, firstly. Secondly, I was afraid. With me, who is anxious and ever so inclined to panic when something I don't understand is placed in my hands to complete, the medical field was definitely stretch for me. But here's the bitter truth about fear. We, as humans, mostly create it without even realizing it. We are species in which we are most certainly not perfect but we are capable of practicing. We have to stop trying to achieve perfection, rather we should reach for true understanding. Learning the practicals and some fundamentals of nursing at first seemed to overbearing, too strenuous and overall too hard. And guess what? It is hard. but just like any other skill, you have to try.
It's crucial for me to remind myself that succeeding isn't always the priority but it is to try the best in me. To exert all my energy into it with love and connection in mind.
So yes, in short, I had somewhat of a hectic week...but I also had informative and essential week...because it taught me something so vital...and that is this; don't let the voice of doubt and idleness roam in your head for too long. Become a watcher of your thinking. What are something's that my mind seems to always tell me that I know is holding me back?
Once you see that you have potential and you start doing harder things, you're bound to see improvement. Every diamond needs some pressure.
Yes, you will be combated by patients. Yes, you will not get everything done in time slots on the nursing plan. Yes, you will have to wash your hands a billionth time today. Yes, you will have to do procedures that will make you gag and cause you to feel faint at first. Yes, there were days (all of them) that you will be short on staff. Yes, your feet will ache extremely because you are running and pacing more then you would ever do. Yes, you are going to have times where you just want to sit and cry and scream and kick.
But there will also be times where you will consciously know that you are making a difference. That by you giving it your all, you are participating in the preservation of someone's life. You start to not measure the preciousness of someone's life by their status, appearance, or first impression but by the knowledge that every life doesn't need to prove its worth and its meaningfulness to life. But that they ARE life.
Hearing them say thank you. Hearing the loved ones thank you. Their smiles. Their laugh. Their tight grip on your hands.
Every hard day is worth it.
I finally found something that is indeed tough but that I know I can do with a happy heart...why? Because I care for the wellbeing of all people.
For such a long time I was consumed by involuntary thoughts of indecision, vexing, and angry opinions, selfish desires with no real substance, and a lack of a desire to live.
But by participating and making my way into a field where it's your job to value life...you end up valuing yours. You start to see the frustration and the state of mind that those who love you are in. You start to care more for yourself and others.
Today was the last day of clinicals. And oh how bittersweet.
I never thought a week of clinicals could bring me such enlightenment. But also I have to mention the devastation that intertwines with being in healthcare.
Today, a patient that I didn't get the chance to talk to very well and truthfully wasn't on my radar made me cry...why?
Because he has three kids that don't visit him that live close by. Because he seems so unhappy and uninterested all the time. Because when I walked into his room to say goodbye, I really decided to look at him and the surrounding. His room, unlike the other residents/patients rooms, was plain and dull. No pictures of family (probably because they never come to visit). Such a dark, melancholic atmosphere. He also seemed to be reflecting the emotion in the room with his sleeping facial expressions. His furrowed brows, his nervous muttering, his trembling...something deep inside of me wanted so much to cure this from him. But emotional pain can sometimes be harder to heal then physical pain.
I woke him up, since he obviously was in distress. He was somewhat relieved, somewhat startled. I told him this was my last day, that it was nice to meet him. That I'm visiting on Monday so I can see all of them and get to know people like him more that I didn't get the chance to truly get to know.
He was kind and wished me well.
In that moment, I felt not empathy which is often felt by humans because our ego takes place in it. We always want to relate our pain to others. But in that moment I felt true sympathy. I felt for him. I didn't care about myself, I didn't try to relate back to myself, thus turning the direction of my thoughts back to me...my whole body and soul reached for this elderly man who despite what reason his kids or loved ones don't visit him, seemed so very lonely. Seemed to have trouble. Seemed to be someone I barely knew, but felt love for.
I wanted to tell him he was going to be okay, not to feel lonely, I wanted so bad for him to be happy. For his loved ones to care for him. Oh how I despise the conditions of nursing homes and how frustrated I am about loved ones who are indifferent.
I started to cry.
I left the room.
And though I think every person in healthcare knows the lines of professionalism and know not to wish unrealistic miracles for their patients...we are human and you can't help but feel.
This week of clinicals taught me how to feel in way that showed me humanity in such a more intimate way.
I am forever grateful for this experience and for future experiences in my future clinicals...
(A picture taken by me of the sunrise on my last day of NA clinicals)
